Survivor 16: Micronesia Episode 2: Bloody Mary

Once upon a time, on a sandy spit of land far away, lived two separate kingdoms. One Kingdom, founded centuries before, was a thriving society. Its people had recently slain the dastardly Lord Fairplay, and were enjoying a new era of peace and prosperity.

But alas, the peace was short lived. Without Lord Fairplay to unify against,, the people of the kingdom found themselves in the uncomfortable position of having to trust one another....something with which they were all too unfamiliar. The most discomfited in the land was Princess Snivels, who never failed to uncover a new threat, real or imaginary.

Her latest threat was not one of violence, or treachery, but one of love. It seemed that two of her sisters had used their feminine charms and wiles to gain status within the kingdom, And while their original intent was purely tactical, over time (two commercial breaks) they actually found themselves falling for their respective rubes. Both Princess Parvati and Princess Amanda had successfully convinced Lord James and Lord Ozzy to do their bidding.

Having no charms and certainly no wiles, Princess Snivels ran the risk of execution if she didn't win anyone over to her side. Fortunately for her, the pairings that gave others status in the kingdom came very close to leading to their undoing. While most were in favor of love, very few were supportive of physical manifestations of that love in the communal lean-to. This did not sit well with the other villagers, and led by Princess Snivels and the Dark Lord Jonathan (who some believe was an ally of Lord Fairplay) to banish the lovers and foil their plans.

The other kingdom was awash with strife. A recently formed civilization, very little had taken place to form a cohesive society. There was no shelter, no water, no food and no fire. Everyone had ideas about how these items were to be procured, but no one was willing to actually put forth the effort to get them.

Early on, there were clear divisions within the tribe based on age. The three elders of the kingdom were shunned, partly because they were not productive members of the society, and partly because they were different than the younger members. They lacked the tattoos, the muscles and the breast implants that were symbols of status within their community.

Many attempts were made to make fire, which had been invented eons ago, but still eluded the young society. One by one, brave knights would attempt to build a fire, and one by one they failed. Even the ladies in waiting attempted fire, trying anything that would burn....even their hair...to no avail.

This left the kingdom dehydrated, staving, and more likely to blame each other for their misfortunes.

Finally, the muscle-bound Prince Mongo stepped up and offered to try. Having spent many years as a fire fighter (when not lifting heavy rocks to build his muscles) he knew he was the right man for the job.

Two hours and half of the remaining flint later, he failed in his quest. Battles ensued over chores and shelter, and ultimately two shelters were built. One shelter was for the young breasted and tattooed ones, the other for the older, less-breasted and more unstable ones.

Soon word came round that they were to be challenged by the other kingdom. The challenge would involve running, swimming, and puzzles...as that was a tradition in their land. The winner would claim a boat and fishing gear. The losers would have to banish one citizen to Exile Island, and another would be executed.

Lord Ozzy gives the older kingdom a commanding lead with his masterful swimming skills (leaving Amanda swooning on the beach), with the younger kingdom not too far berhind. The real divide occurs when the Maquis de Chet forgets how to swim, and treads water while contemplating his next move.

This of course is devastating to the rest of his team, who are screaming at him to come back in and let a stronger swimmer try and make up some ground. Chet spends several more seconds in the water, wondering it drowning would be preferable to coming back to the beach where Prince Mongo would most certainly feed him his own appendages. This hesitation leads to the older kingdom to an easy victory, and the Marquis de Chet a date with the executioner.

Before returning to their kingdom, Overlord Jeffy explains that one member of the losing kingdom, and one member of the victorious kingdom would go to Exile Island. They would be chosen by the opposite kingdoms. Ultimately it was Princess Cirie from the old kingdom and the Duchess Crazypants who were banished for the night. Their one bit of solace was the fact that a magic potion lay on the island which would grant them immunity from the next execution.


When back at the castles, there was much maneuvering to determine who was to be executed. At first the decision seemed clear-cut. Marquis de Chet had failed in his quest, and that failure brought dishonor to the kingdom. Those who wanted to see him go outnumbered those who wanted to see him stay, the decision seemed easy.

Or did it? Prince Mike pointed out that Duchess Crazypants already held one immunity potion that could potentially be used on Chet, giving the minority votes ultimate power. In order to get rid of an older person and maintain the strength of their faction, they had to employ strategy to secure Chet's execution. He carefully lays out multiple scenarios that would ensure success.

Prince Mongo listened to the plans for only a few moments, and then ignored them for two reasons. First, math involved thinking, and thinking wasn't something he enjoyed. Second, he didn't like the fact that Prince Mikey was leading the charge. He didn't care how logical or foolproof the plan was, he just resented the fact that he wasn't smart enough to come up with it himself. Prince Mongo had a desire to be King, and that was not possible if Prince Mikey was more popular than he was.

Surprisingly, Prince Mongo considered himself to be an astute follower of history. He claimed to base his strategy on the successes and failures of the civilizations of those who came before his. But anyone with even a rudimentary knowledge of former kings and queens knows that the most successful ones were those who did not rule with an iron fist, but those who manipulated subtly from the shadows.

With the subtlety of a battle ax, Prince Mongo launched an attack against Prince Mikey. Executing Mikey was not an option, as the kingdom would need his strength in wars with the other kingdom. Mongo instead chose to take away the one thing more important than power, and that was love. Prince Mikey had grown smitten with the fair Lady Mary, and their alliance was a threat to Mongo's aspirations.

When the time comes to go to the gallows, both Prince Mongo and Prince Mikey are confident that their plans are well in hand. Each believes that the people of their kingdoms will support them in their battle against the other.

Before selecting the sacrificial lamb, Overlord Jeffy torments the Marquis de Chet mercilessly in his poor performance in battle...pushing him to the verge of tears before turning to another unwitting victim.

But all too soon the moment of truth is upon them. Would the citizens, fearing for their safety, vote the way that Mongo directed, or would they go with Mikey, and vote off the weakest member of the tribe?

The votes were read, and to Mikey's horror it was his beloved who was led up to the chopping block. With a swift motion of the axe, Mikey realized he was very much alone in his kingdom, and that love, while sweet, was over far too soon.


The End


Ok, enough morbid fairy tales. it will be more normal (or as normal as it ever gets) next week.

Happy Valentine's Day to all!

K