Survivor Fiji: Episode 1 - "It's Fiji-riffic!"Oh my gosh, is it time already?!?!?!?!?
The answer, dear friends, is "Yes."
The latest version of the show takes place in Fiji, known for its relative recent history of cannibalism [Insert spooky music here.] As the camera pans over some of the most beautiful landscape in the south pacific, we are repeatedly told how hard and challenging this season is going to be. They highlight the fact that someone was so intimidated that she dropped out the night before the game began.
This apparently threw a monkey wrench in the works. Not only did it instantly throw off the balance of the teams, but made it impossible for the groups to be divided by race, as was planned again for this season. I can only imagine what the strategy meeting was like to rectify that situation.
But rectify it they did, and once again, a group of 19 people are put on a boat and shipped to an island where they will have the freedom to be themselves, or at least the freedom to be whoever the puppet-master wants them to be.
Perhaps it's just me, but this season the people seem more contrived, more scripted, less human. After arriving on the island, the group has no direction, no map, and no Jeffy to tell them what to do. They all go wandering like lemmings through the jungle, having bizarrely stilted conversations with each other about what they should expect or be afraid of.
Yes, there is plenty of things to be afraid of on this island, and most of them are your teammates.
This season focuses on some of the more colorful characters, and leaves others virtually invisible in this first episode. One of the stand-out individuals is a little Asian man named Yau Man. As one of the two oldsters in the tribe, he looks slightly more formidable than the average stick figure. But unlike last season's Cao Boi, Yau is cute AND not annoying. Yau quietly acknowledges his challenges, and at the same time blows the rest of this group of knuckleheads out of the water.
Because they make good TV, a lot of time is spent on the two loudmouths of the group. "Dreams" (a nickname he gave himself) is a cheerleading coach who's energy could power most American cities. He's got a hard luck story and has certainly has triumphed over adversity, but that doesn't make him any less irritating as he just never shuts up.
Rocky is the new Boston-Rawb. His real name was James, but due to his scary resemblance to Sylvester Stallone, complete with droopy eyes, dark hair, and barely intelligible speech, he was dubbed "Rocky" by his friends back home. He tells us that his friends apparently thought the "James" was too hard to remember. While that may be true, it might have more to do with the fact that few people can look at him without wanting to scream "Adrian!!!"
As the teams are having fun and getting to know each other, there is one distinct missing element.
Where's Jeffy?
He always seemed to take such pride in strutting around like a bad-ass, telling us how hard the next 39 days were going to be for the survivors. With perfect hair and teeth, he uses his "serious voice" to try and convince us that he really gives a damn. But 15 minutes into the show and he's MIA
A short while later, Look! Up in the sky! Is it a parachute? Is Jeffy going to make his entrance "Flying Elvis"-style?
Oh hell no, he just dropped out some supplies on a fly-by as he was on his way to the spa.
The team runs out, retrieves the box, and then spend the next 10 minutes beating on it like a bunch of crazed chimps trying to get it open. They beat on it, drop it on rocks, drop rocks on it, and nothing happens.
Waiting until everyone is exhausted from their own stupidity, Yau calmly walks out, smacks a corner of the box on a rock, and it opens easily.
He explains that it's an issue of physics, as the corner of the box is the weakest point, hitting it there would naturally open it.
I don't care if the guy gets winded tying his shoes, he's a good guy to keep around.
The box contains maps, and directions to building an awesome shelter, complete with a kitchen and bathroom....something unheard of. As they look things over, there is one prevailing thought. "It can't be this easy, something bad is coming."
But since building is on their mind. the team begins the hike to find the materials. One of the hikers proudly says that it's so cool to be a part of "Survivor Fuji."
"Fuji?" Are you kidding me? Lauren Hill isn't on that island. Might be a good idea to know where in the heck you are.
After collecting all the materials and bringing them back down to the beach, they begin the process of figuring out how and where to build the items. Luckily or unluckily, they have an architect in the group who immediately takes charge.
Before getting into Sylvia, I should probably point out that building this shelter did not require an architect's skill. It's like needing Monet to complete a "paint by numbers" canvas. That being said, Sylvia the architect establishes a few things quickly. 1) She's a good architect. 2) She's even better at nagging 3) She's *reeeeallly* impressed with how smart she thinks she is.
Barking orders in an unbelievably annoying melodic whine, she starts alienating her teammates one by one. Telling Gary (aka "Papa Smurf) that a bamboo pole wasn't straight enough for her tastes. She then moves to Rocky, confusing him with words that are clearly beyond the bounds of his vocabulary. At one point she uses the word "askew." He tells her he doesn't know what that means. She decides to clarify the situation by defining "askew" as "orthagonal." Show of hands. Has ANYONE ever used that word?
As everyone is whistling while they work, it's not all smiling joy. Erica quickly establishes her role as the twitchy paranoid one, immediately trying to bargain alliances with every person with which she comes into contact. She's worried, tense, and that doesn't inspire confidence on the part of her tribemates. It's too needy, too fast. I predict her time on the island will be short.
Tea time. Yau Man continues to wow his tribe by making tea with the local vegetation. Yau grew up in the jungles of Borneo, so coming to Fiji was almost like coming home. He serves tea to everyone and earns the nickname "The Professor" of their Gilligan's Island.
Finally, there is a shelter, a kitchen and a bathroom. It's almost comfortable. Life is good for the group
But the goodness is never taken for granted in this game. Once again we are told, "Something bad is coming."
After teasing the group for 2 days, Jeffy finally makes his entrance at the first reward challenge.
Like an interrogation specialist, Jeffy eyes the group and doesn't waste time. He immediately goes for the jugular....
"So how was the shelter building experience? Did anyone emerge as the leader?"
[Translation: I have seen the footage and know that Sylvia was a righteous bee-yotch the last two days. Tell me about it.]
Someone fesses up that Sylvia was in charge, but it's still early, and no one wants to tell the truth. They all assert that the shelter experience was fun, and Sylvia was essential to the process.
Since Sylvia was the lynchpin of the commode building experience, he pulls her up in front of the group. I had hoped that he would bounce her right then and there, but no dice. He feeds her God complex by making her the members and divide them into teams.
Up to this point everyone has been in one big group. No buffs, no teams, no group competition.
Sylvia carefully divides the group so that the teams are pretty evenly divided in terms of size and strength. After finishing her task, she is rewarded with the news that she was being booted to exile island, home to a lot of sea snakes.
Almost as good as having to leave the show entirely. Sylvia is escorted to her water taxi, where she muttered expletives about the girl who dropped out and forced this twist to the game.
But there are rewards now to be won. The winners of the chariot race/puzzle thingie would get more nice stuff for the camp, including silverware and a couch.
A couch?!?!? There are no couches in Survivor!
But as cool as those rewards are, the losing team gets righteously shafted. They are sent to a beach where their only comforts are a pot and a machete. That's it. So all of the building they created will be of no use to them. Sylvia would be assigned to the losing team, and not be able to enjoy the shelter everyone else worked hard to build.
Mwwwwoooohahahaha.
There's a chariot race and puzzles. One team wins, I don't know them well enough yet to say who won. Suffice it to say that some people were really happy at the outcome, others were less so.
But regardless of the outcome, there's not a whole lot that they can do about it. Most of the team accepts that, and tries to see the positives in their stripped down commode-less camp. The exception to this is twitchy Erica, who knows that she's the one who is going to be voted off, and really doesn't want to go. She again starts campaigning for votes, and gets Rocky and Jessica to vote with her.
Unfortunately their three votes don't beat the six votes form the rest of the team. Other tribemates tell Erica that they are voting for Jessica, because she has the least amount of physical ability. Not personal, just strategy. Erica sticks to her principles and insists she won't write Jessica's name down. It's good to have principles. But unfortunately, in Survivor, those with principles never get very far.
And so the jockeying for popularity and bargaining for immunity begins. As with each season, there are time-honored lies told every week:
"If I'm on the chopping block, I want you to tell me" [Translation: I want to know so that I have a chance to go behind your back and prove to everyone that you're a bigger loser who needs to be booted before me.]
"Of course I'll tell you if you're going to be booted." [Translation: I'm a spineless twerp who doesn't want to have to deal with your reaction, so while I claim I will tell you, there's no way on God's green Earth that's going to happen.]
"I promise I'll be straight with you." [Translation: I'm going to lie like a rug.]
Everybody's technically vulnerable, and there were some random votes that did not appear to make any sense, but in the end, the majority rules, and Jessica is the first to be booted from Fiji.
Until next time......
