Survivor 16: Micronesia Episode 2: Bloody Mary

Once upon a time, on a sandy spit of land far away, lived two separate kingdoms. One Kingdom, founded centuries before, was a thriving society. Its people had recently slain the dastardly Lord Fairplay, and were enjoying a new era of peace and prosperity.

But alas, the peace was short lived. Without Lord Fairplay to unify against,, the people of the kingdom found themselves in the uncomfortable position of having to trust one another....something with which they were all too unfamiliar. The most discomfited in the land was Princess Snivels, who never failed to uncover a new threat, real or imaginary.

Her latest threat was not one of violence, or treachery, but one of love. It seemed that two of her sisters had used their feminine charms and wiles to gain status within the kingdom, And while their original intent was purely tactical, over time (two commercial breaks) they actually found themselves falling for their respective rubes. Both Princess Parvati and Princess Amanda had successfully convinced Lord James and Lord Ozzy to do their bidding.

Having no charms and certainly no wiles, Princess Snivels ran the risk of execution if she didn't win anyone over to her side. Fortunately for her, the pairings that gave others status in the kingdom came very close to leading to their undoing. While most were in favor of love, very few were supportive of physical manifestations of that love in the communal lean-to. This did not sit well with the other villagers, and led by Princess Snivels and the Dark Lord Jonathan (who some believe was an ally of Lord Fairplay) to banish the lovers and foil their plans.

The other kingdom was awash with strife. A recently formed civilization, very little had taken place to form a cohesive society. There was no shelter, no water, no food and no fire. Everyone had ideas about how these items were to be procured, but no one was willing to actually put forth the effort to get them.

Early on, there were clear divisions within the tribe based on age. The three elders of the kingdom were shunned, partly because they were not productive members of the society, and partly because they were different than the younger members. They lacked the tattoos, the muscles and the breast implants that were symbols of status within their community.

Many attempts were made to make fire, which had been invented eons ago, but still eluded the young society. One by one, brave knights would attempt to build a fire, and one by one they failed. Even the ladies in waiting attempted fire, trying anything that would burn....even their hair...to no avail.

This left the kingdom dehydrated, staving, and more likely to blame each other for their misfortunes.

Finally, the muscle-bound Prince Mongo stepped up and offered to try. Having spent many years as a fire fighter (when not lifting heavy rocks to build his muscles) he knew he was the right man for the job.

Two hours and half of the remaining flint later, he failed in his quest. Battles ensued over chores and shelter, and ultimately two shelters were built. One shelter was for the young breasted and tattooed ones, the other for the older, less-breasted and more unstable ones.

Soon word came round that they were to be challenged by the other kingdom. The challenge would involve running, swimming, and puzzles...as that was a tradition in their land. The winner would claim a boat and fishing gear. The losers would have to banish one citizen to Exile Island, and another would be executed.

Lord Ozzy gives the older kingdom a commanding lead with his masterful swimming skills (leaving Amanda swooning on the beach), with the younger kingdom not too far berhind. The real divide occurs when the Maquis de Chet forgets how to swim, and treads water while contemplating his next move.

This of course is devastating to the rest of his team, who are screaming at him to come back in and let a stronger swimmer try and make up some ground. Chet spends several more seconds in the water, wondering it drowning would be preferable to coming back to the beach where Prince Mongo would most certainly feed him his own appendages. This hesitation leads to the older kingdom to an easy victory, and the Marquis de Chet a date with the executioner.

Before returning to their kingdom, Overlord Jeffy explains that one member of the losing kingdom, and one member of the victorious kingdom would go to Exile Island. They would be chosen by the opposite kingdoms. Ultimately it was Princess Cirie from the old kingdom and the Duchess Crazypants who were banished for the night. Their one bit of solace was the fact that a magic potion lay on the island which would grant them immunity from the next execution.


When back at the castles, there was much maneuvering to determine who was to be executed. At first the decision seemed clear-cut. Marquis de Chet had failed in his quest, and that failure brought dishonor to the kingdom. Those who wanted to see him go outnumbered those who wanted to see him stay, the decision seemed easy.

Or did it? Prince Mike pointed out that Duchess Crazypants already held one immunity potion that could potentially be used on Chet, giving the minority votes ultimate power. In order to get rid of an older person and maintain the strength of their faction, they had to employ strategy to secure Chet's execution. He carefully lays out multiple scenarios that would ensure success.

Prince Mongo listened to the plans for only a few moments, and then ignored them for two reasons. First, math involved thinking, and thinking wasn't something he enjoyed. Second, he didn't like the fact that Prince Mikey was leading the charge. He didn't care how logical or foolproof the plan was, he just resented the fact that he wasn't smart enough to come up with it himself. Prince Mongo had a desire to be King, and that was not possible if Prince Mikey was more popular than he was.

Surprisingly, Prince Mongo considered himself to be an astute follower of history. He claimed to base his strategy on the successes and failures of the civilizations of those who came before his. But anyone with even a rudimentary knowledge of former kings and queens knows that the most successful ones were those who did not rule with an iron fist, but those who manipulated subtly from the shadows.

With the subtlety of a battle ax, Prince Mongo launched an attack against Prince Mikey. Executing Mikey was not an option, as the kingdom would need his strength in wars with the other kingdom. Mongo instead chose to take away the one thing more important than power, and that was love. Prince Mikey had grown smitten with the fair Lady Mary, and their alliance was a threat to Mongo's aspirations.

When the time comes to go to the gallows, both Prince Mongo and Prince Mikey are confident that their plans are well in hand. Each believes that the people of their kingdoms will support them in their battle against the other.

Before selecting the sacrificial lamb, Overlord Jeffy torments the Marquis de Chet mercilessly in his poor performance in battle...pushing him to the verge of tears before turning to another unwitting victim.

But all too soon the moment of truth is upon them. Would the citizens, fearing for their safety, vote the way that Mongo directed, or would they go with Mikey, and vote off the weakest member of the tribe?

The votes were read, and to Mikey's horror it was his beloved who was led up to the chopping block. With a swift motion of the axe, Mikey realized he was very much alone in his kingdom, and that love, while sweet, was over far too soon.


The End


Ok, enough morbid fairy tales. it will be more normal (or as normal as it ever gets) next week.

Happy Valentine's Day to all!

K

Survivor 16: Miconesia - Nobody's Favorites

Snuggly chair? Check

Turkey sandwich? Check

Giganto TV so as not to miss a single second of the best guilty pleasure on TV? Check, double check!

Bring on the sand fleas!

With the writer's strike dragging into a third month, there are two things of which we can be certain. We will be treated to endless network re-runs, and CBS will attempt to salvage its ratings by sending another set of 20 fools out to a remote island in the south seas.

Survivor has been on for 16 seasons now, and CBS has done everything in its power to keep the show fresh and interesting. Dubbed “Fans vs Faves” Rob Burnett (aka “The Puppetmaster) has called back 10 of it’s more infamous contestants to play against 10 fresh-faced newbies who have no more survivor experience than I do. Will the experienced players have an edge against those who have only been observers? I don’t know, we’ll have to see.

The term “favorites” is interpreted somewhat broadly here, as the true good guy/girl favorites make for lousy TV. Who would watch 16 weeks of everyone treating each other nicely? Ok, who besides me? This has resulted in a team of a few good guys (James and Yau Man, Ozzy) with a group of people so irritating that Eliza (aka “Snivels” from a previous season) is the least offensive of the bunch.

Of course by now you are probably aware that “Johnny Fairplay” has also made a return to the island. This is the dirtbag from a few seasons ago who garnered sympathy from his teammates by crying over the death of his grandmother. This took everyone by surprise, including the grandmother who was home, very much alive and watching the show on TV. Following his stint on Survivor, his only other claim to fame was doing a lawn-dart impression at the hands of fellow dirtbag Danny Bonaduce. Never in my life have I seen someone so desperate for fame and recognition, but I’ll get back to that in a second.

The “fans” come straight out of central casting. There’s the skinny but strong hot guy, the strong but seemingly slow hot guy, the gaggle of implant-laden starlet wannabes, the sole gay man and the crazy old broad. They excitedly assemble on their mat to get their buffs and marching orders from Jeffy.

They bring out the “faves” one at a time…as though they are rock stars. Now I have seen at least a few episodes of every single season of the show, and I had to think long and hard about who the heck some of these people were. But as each one is brought out, the fans clap with excitement and seem honored to be in their presence.

Suckers.

Jeffy sends them off to their boats and tells them about an immunity idol they can find and use, but only at the first tribal council. Everyone is scrambling like mad on the beach to find it. Yau man and Fairplay spot it at the same time and make a mad dash to get their hands on it. Both arrive at the same time to get it, Yau-man gets the upper-hand by tackling Fairplay and shoving his head into the side of the canoe. Don’t let his shy demeanor fool you. That little guy came to play. He actually winds up with idols for both teams, opting to hand the Fans’ idol to the crazy old broad….guaranteeing at least 36 hours of crazy-assed ramblings.

There’s not much more to talk about with the fans, as very little time was spent at their camp. The time that was spent there was devoted to Kathleen (aka crazy old broad), a “golf course vendor” who has absolutely no filter between her brain and her mouth.

Ehhhhxxxxcellent!

She makes a name for herself by approaching Chet and talking about how unfamiliar she is with gay men. There is a deeply uncomfortable moment where she asks him what she should call him (“Chet” would have been my choice, but what do I know?) because she (and I quote) has “never known any gay people before.” Chet wisely points out that she may know lots of gay people who just weren’t out of the closet. That gives her a moment of pause, and then there are hugs all around….uncomfortable moment averted.

You’d think that would be enough shoe leather for one afternoon, but Kathleen moves from making Chet uncomfortable to asking another girl about her breast implants saying, “I’ve never seen breast implants before!”

Ok, so she has never known any gay people, and never seen breast implants. Either this woman lives under a rock, or is the most oblivious woman on the planet. Either way, I could watch her all freaking evening. Well, more accurately, I got a perverse joy out of watching her team-mates squirm knowing that she had immunity and that they were stuck with her for at least a few more days.

Yes, I know I need to get out more.

So over at the “faves” tribe, alliances are being made, namely on a one-on-one basis. Parvati instantly moves in on James, and Amanda moves in on Ozzy...getting the whore contingent started early.

No one is more concerned about the “hooking up” than Eliza (aka Snivels.) She skulks around like a Chihuahua on bad crack, talking about how she felt threatened, and that she feared she would be the first to go. I would have thought that Fairplay the dirtbag would have been the biggest threat, but no one ever said that anyone who has ever played this game was smart.

Factions form, and those getting island nookie are squared off against those not getting the island nookie. But you would think that getting booted wouldn’t be an issue this early, right? I mean, there’s an immunity challenge coming, and there’s no way that the experienced ones would lose, right?

Wrong-o.

The newbies win the first challenge (obstacles, challenges, the routine drill) and send the faves back to the island to deliberate in earnest about who should get the boot. Snivels and Parvati are the top candidates, with the non-nookie getters trying to woo Fairplay on their side.

It seems like I have to say this every season…and it surprises me given the fact that these people have all played the show. Woo Fairplay? Are you kidding me? Have they not SEEN the show?

Here’s where I get irritated with the whole thing. There’s some lip-service as to who’s going to go, but then there is a lot of time spent about Fairplay wanting to go home, how his girlfriend (another reality show reject) is 7 months pregnant, and he just wants to be a good father…blah, blah blah.

It’s all bovine excrement.

About a week before filming started on this show, Fairplay had his encounter with Danny Bonaduce. For those who have not seen the Youtube film (and I would recommend it if you haven’t), Fairplay decided it would be funny to jump into the arms of a clearly agitated and quite possibly loaded Danny Bonaduce. This is something akin to waving your fingers in front of a coiled rattle snake to be funny. You can be guaranteed that neither one will work out well.

So anyway, Fairplay jumps into Danny’s arms . Never the paragon of sanity in the first place, Danny throws Fairplay off of him. Fairplay flies over Bonaduce’s head, and goes face-first onto a concrete floor…shattering his upper jaw, and the bone that holds all of his upper teeth in his head. This requires oral surgery and braces, and of course litigation has commenced.

All of this happened a week before Survivor was to begin filming, and Fairplay went to Micronesia with his face stitched together and a truckload of Vicodin.…which they would not allow him to take once filming commenced.

(All of this was explained by Fairplay in an interview I heard this morning, by the way)

So he’s out there with a face full of stitches with no pain meds. He’s signed a contract and paid to be there, but it’s obvious early on that he’s not going to make it 3 days, let alone 39. So they let him claim that he misses his girlfriend and daughter and ask to be voted off because he knows that it’s more important to be home for them. In reality he felt like crap, and didn’t want to be stuck on the sand for all that time without drugs.

Honestly, I don’t blame him for not wanting to be out there with a broken face. Just don’t give us all this BS about wanting to be a good father and all that crap. Clearly the rest of the team was in on the gig because everyone, in spite of telling us how important it would be to keep him, voted him off without question.

We’ve been had folks, but if it got him off the show early, far be it from me to complain. I just hope that they limit the manipulation of the audience for the rest of the season.

Have a good night all, see you next week,

K