Survivor 16: Miconesia - Nobody's Favorites

Snuggly chair? Check

Turkey sandwich? Check

Giganto TV so as not to miss a single second of the best guilty pleasure on TV? Check, double check!

Bring on the sand fleas!

With the writer's strike dragging into a third month, there are two things of which we can be certain. We will be treated to endless network re-runs, and CBS will attempt to salvage its ratings by sending another set of 20 fools out to a remote island in the south seas.

Survivor has been on for 16 seasons now, and CBS has done everything in its power to keep the show fresh and interesting. Dubbed “Fans vs Faves” Rob Burnett (aka “The Puppetmaster) has called back 10 of it’s more infamous contestants to play against 10 fresh-faced newbies who have no more survivor experience than I do. Will the experienced players have an edge against those who have only been observers? I don’t know, we’ll have to see.

The term “favorites” is interpreted somewhat broadly here, as the true good guy/girl favorites make for lousy TV. Who would watch 16 weeks of everyone treating each other nicely? Ok, who besides me? This has resulted in a team of a few good guys (James and Yau Man, Ozzy) with a group of people so irritating that Eliza (aka “Snivels” from a previous season) is the least offensive of the bunch.

Of course by now you are probably aware that “Johnny Fairplay” has also made a return to the island. This is the dirtbag from a few seasons ago who garnered sympathy from his teammates by crying over the death of his grandmother. This took everyone by surprise, including the grandmother who was home, very much alive and watching the show on TV. Following his stint on Survivor, his only other claim to fame was doing a lawn-dart impression at the hands of fellow dirtbag Danny Bonaduce. Never in my life have I seen someone so desperate for fame and recognition, but I’ll get back to that in a second.

The “fans” come straight out of central casting. There’s the skinny but strong hot guy, the strong but seemingly slow hot guy, the gaggle of implant-laden starlet wannabes, the sole gay man and the crazy old broad. They excitedly assemble on their mat to get their buffs and marching orders from Jeffy.

They bring out the “faves” one at a time…as though they are rock stars. Now I have seen at least a few episodes of every single season of the show, and I had to think long and hard about who the heck some of these people were. But as each one is brought out, the fans clap with excitement and seem honored to be in their presence.

Suckers.

Jeffy sends them off to their boats and tells them about an immunity idol they can find and use, but only at the first tribal council. Everyone is scrambling like mad on the beach to find it. Yau man and Fairplay spot it at the same time and make a mad dash to get their hands on it. Both arrive at the same time to get it, Yau-man gets the upper-hand by tackling Fairplay and shoving his head into the side of the canoe. Don’t let his shy demeanor fool you. That little guy came to play. He actually winds up with idols for both teams, opting to hand the Fans’ idol to the crazy old broad….guaranteeing at least 36 hours of crazy-assed ramblings.

There’s not much more to talk about with the fans, as very little time was spent at their camp. The time that was spent there was devoted to Kathleen (aka crazy old broad), a “golf course vendor” who has absolutely no filter between her brain and her mouth.

Ehhhhxxxxcellent!

She makes a name for herself by approaching Chet and talking about how unfamiliar she is with gay men. There is a deeply uncomfortable moment where she asks him what she should call him (“Chet” would have been my choice, but what do I know?) because she (and I quote) has “never known any gay people before.” Chet wisely points out that she may know lots of gay people who just weren’t out of the closet. That gives her a moment of pause, and then there are hugs all around….uncomfortable moment averted.

You’d think that would be enough shoe leather for one afternoon, but Kathleen moves from making Chet uncomfortable to asking another girl about her breast implants saying, “I’ve never seen breast implants before!”

Ok, so she has never known any gay people, and never seen breast implants. Either this woman lives under a rock, or is the most oblivious woman on the planet. Either way, I could watch her all freaking evening. Well, more accurately, I got a perverse joy out of watching her team-mates squirm knowing that she had immunity and that they were stuck with her for at least a few more days.

Yes, I know I need to get out more.

So over at the “faves” tribe, alliances are being made, namely on a one-on-one basis. Parvati instantly moves in on James, and Amanda moves in on Ozzy...getting the whore contingent started early.

No one is more concerned about the “hooking up” than Eliza (aka Snivels.) She skulks around like a Chihuahua on bad crack, talking about how she felt threatened, and that she feared she would be the first to go. I would have thought that Fairplay the dirtbag would have been the biggest threat, but no one ever said that anyone who has ever played this game was smart.

Factions form, and those getting island nookie are squared off against those not getting the island nookie. But you would think that getting booted wouldn’t be an issue this early, right? I mean, there’s an immunity challenge coming, and there’s no way that the experienced ones would lose, right?

Wrong-o.

The newbies win the first challenge (obstacles, challenges, the routine drill) and send the faves back to the island to deliberate in earnest about who should get the boot. Snivels and Parvati are the top candidates, with the non-nookie getters trying to woo Fairplay on their side.

It seems like I have to say this every season…and it surprises me given the fact that these people have all played the show. Woo Fairplay? Are you kidding me? Have they not SEEN the show?

Here’s where I get irritated with the whole thing. There’s some lip-service as to who’s going to go, but then there is a lot of time spent about Fairplay wanting to go home, how his girlfriend (another reality show reject) is 7 months pregnant, and he just wants to be a good father…blah, blah blah.

It’s all bovine excrement.

About a week before filming started on this show, Fairplay had his encounter with Danny Bonaduce. For those who have not seen the Youtube film (and I would recommend it if you haven’t), Fairplay decided it would be funny to jump into the arms of a clearly agitated and quite possibly loaded Danny Bonaduce. This is something akin to waving your fingers in front of a coiled rattle snake to be funny. You can be guaranteed that neither one will work out well.

So anyway, Fairplay jumps into Danny’s arms . Never the paragon of sanity in the first place, Danny throws Fairplay off of him. Fairplay flies over Bonaduce’s head, and goes face-first onto a concrete floor…shattering his upper jaw, and the bone that holds all of his upper teeth in his head. This requires oral surgery and braces, and of course litigation has commenced.

All of this happened a week before Survivor was to begin filming, and Fairplay went to Micronesia with his face stitched together and a truckload of Vicodin.…which they would not allow him to take once filming commenced.

(All of this was explained by Fairplay in an interview I heard this morning, by the way)

So he’s out there with a face full of stitches with no pain meds. He’s signed a contract and paid to be there, but it’s obvious early on that he’s not going to make it 3 days, let alone 39. So they let him claim that he misses his girlfriend and daughter and ask to be voted off because he knows that it’s more important to be home for them. In reality he felt like crap, and didn’t want to be stuck on the sand for all that time without drugs.

Honestly, I don’t blame him for not wanting to be out there with a broken face. Just don’t give us all this BS about wanting to be a good father and all that crap. Clearly the rest of the team was in on the gig because everyone, in spite of telling us how important it would be to keep him, voted him off without question.

We’ve been had folks, but if it got him off the show early, far be it from me to complain. I just hope that they limit the manipulation of the audience for the rest of the season.

Have a good night all, see you next week,

K

Survivor 15: Episode 1: "Putting the 'Ugly' Back in Ugly American"




Like the changing of the leaves, the start of football season, and cold crisp evenings, there are few things I enjoy about fall more than a new season of Survivor. It's been a long summer, and the opportunity to come home tonight, curl up in my chair with a warm laptop and a big-screen TV was more than enough to set my heart a-fluttering.

Who would have thought that we would have made it to 15 seasons? I remember talking with some of you about how we needed to get a game going, because they certainly weren't going to make any more after Survivor Africa. Oh how wrong we were. Over the 7 (yes, it has been 7) years of it's airing, I have really enjoyed every minute. Mind you, this has very little to do with the show. Let's face it; it's a predictable theme with stock characters loosely based on reality. The fun I have had has been with you, making snarky comments, meeting to watch the show and making new friends in the process. Survivor could jump the shark at any minute, if it hasn't already, and I just wanted to tell you all what a pleasure it has been to meet all of you. :)

Ok, enough with the touchy-feely crap. On with this season's train-wreck!


This season takes us to China, where another group of American strangers is assembled to compete for a million bucks. Unlike the last few seasons where the Puppetmaster attempted to boost ratings by pitting ethic groups against each other, this season focuses on the more "unique" characters of the world. Some have odd jobs, others are just odd. Within the group there is a female wrestler, a grave digger, a gay Mormon flight attendant (his description, not mine), a christian talk-show hostess, a professional poker player, and a chicken farmer from Virginia...who is appropriately enough named "Chicken."

So the Chinese give us tainted pet food, toothpaste and toys full of lead, but they get this group of weirdos. Yeah, I think that's a fair trade.

We first see the new teams dressed in their "Sunday Best" outfits (Which means heels, hair gel and barely covered boobies) struggling to lug their 50 pounds of luggage up steps to a Buddhist temple. Jeffy and every villager in a three hundred mile radius is there to greet them.

They are told that the villagers wish to conduct a ceremony to welcome them. They ask each of them to enter the temple and participate. They stress that it is not a religious ceremony, but a greeting.

But even the super-welcoming Chinese villagers take issue with the exposed boobies. For some reason they deem that inappropriate, and many women are required to cover-up with shawls. How dare they? Don't they know that covering those girls chests will hinder their attempts to secure valuable Penthouse cover shots? So what if it's inappropriate for these women to walk into a house of worship looking like $10 hookers? They have their careers to think about, you know.

In spite of their assurances that this was not a religious ceremony, there was a lot of activities that sure looked religious. One of those who wasn't into the scene was Courtney, the New York waitress. She complained about the ceremony going on so long and how she was tired of bowing.

So lemme get this straight. You are in a part of the world that few Americans have ever seen, participating in a cultural ceremony that has been organized just for you, and you have a chance to win a million bucks at the end. And you have a right to complain how!?!?!?

But as nonplussed as Courtney was with the whole experience, there was someone else who was even less enthused. Leslie, the Christian radio talk show host is having something of a crisis of faith. She is of the opinion that the ceremony was the fast-track to sin and damnation. Citing the first of the 10 commandments (Though shall not worship other gods before me) she bolts from the temple mid-ceremony. Through tears and an obvious panic attack, she actually says, "I'm not a religious person, but I worship my lord and savior Jesus Christ."

Call me a cynic, but doesn't worshiping the big JC by definition make you a religious person? Do the people at her radio station know that she's not religious? How many non-religious people have issues with participating in a ceremony that is different from their own cultural background? How many could cite Exodus 20:5 as the reason to be curled up in the fetal position muttering about hellfire? Heck, I went through years of Catholic school and I had to verify which commandment that was on wikipedia.

As I have said on many occasions, I am a big supporter of one's religious beliefs. I think that one's faith is a very powerful and very personal thing. Feel uncomfortable with the situation? Fine. Thank those involved, and excuse yourself. No need for some shaking/crying freak-out. It's not like the Puppetmaster is requiring you to go in there and sell your soul, you already did that the moment you agreed to be on the show in the first place.

The ceremony ends, and everyone gathers back out in front of the temple. Jeffy tells them that a premise of Buddhism is to rid themselves of material goods. In this case it means that the suitcases they lugged up the hill would be leaving them, and they would be sent off to the jungles with nothing but the clothes on their backs.

Yes, the hoochie-mama skin tight dresses, the spiked heels, the fishnet stockings, the knee-high 20-lb Doc Martens would be your only clothing for the next 39 days. Someone whined that they weren't wearing a bra. (Again, all completely appropriate temple attire)...to which she was told that she was SOL, but would be popular. Oh, that Jeffy and his sharp wit.

So off we go into the wilds of China two teams chosen at random are sent to two different camps with a water can and a machete as their only supplies. They are also given a copy of "The Art of War"...an ancient Chinese text that is the foundation for most modern strategic offenses, and instructed to read it. Let the gamesmanship begin!

Pro poker player Jean-Robert and Todd the gay Mormon flight attendant go for a walk in search of the tree mailbox. Along the way, they have the opportunity to talk, to bond, to begin to create relationships that will serve them well through this game.

JR tosses any hope out the window immediately by telling Todd that he doesn't believe Todd's a flight attendant, and that he feels he can't trust him. Todd's understandably surprised and more than a little peeved. Smooth move JR. Are you sure you are a poker player? None of the players I know would ever be that stupid.

Meanwhile, the rest of the tribe is trying to create a shelter with plenty of boobs, but no builders in the group.

Hobbling around in the mud wearing kitten heels and a skin-tight dress, Sherea tells us, "I just didn't know it was going to be this hard."


Time? 8:16. We hadn't even gotten to the 2nd commercial break and a few hours into their stay on the island before some fool has to say that. The show's been on for 7 freaking years. You didn't know this by now?



One of the most interesting (and dare I say superfine) players is James. When asked what he does for a living, he tells us he buries people....and that is not a metaphor. He is actually a grave digger in Louisiana. He then explains that he has no troubles roughing it or working through the challenges; his biggest fear is the social part of the game. Since the majority of his clients don't require witty banter, it's no surprise that James is not much of a people person. That's ok. Something tells me that staying out of the way of the rest of the yahoos is probably the best method for getting far in this game.



The player who's having the toughest time adjusting to the social aspect of the game is Chicken. A chicken farmer from Virginia, he looks like he is out of central casting for Deliverance. He's a good old boy with a clear idea of how things are to run, and doesn't suffer fools lightly. The problem is that he is surrounded by fools who think that they know a lot more than he does. His method of coping with this is to go into a passive aggressive "I don't care what you want to do...it's fine" mode that just rubs everyone the wrong way. The upshot is that the team can't agree on a shelter design, and they all spend the night in a rainstorm.

Before they know it, treemail arrives and it's time to figure out what the clever poetry and props mean. Both teams ponder over this for quite a while until someone from one of the teams mentions, "Hey, maybe we should read that art of war thing?'

Yes, that "Art of War" thing that you have had in your possession for 3 days and ignored? A little late to cram before the challenge sparky.

The challenge is an obstacle course where they run with these giant dragons. First one to the end wins. It's a close race, but Chicken and James' team (I haven't gotten to the point where I remember the team names) loses.

Ironically enough, as the other team hoists the immunity idol, who is one of the first people to kiss it? Leslie. Oooooh I'm telling! Something tells me you are going to be moved to overnights on KYaweh


So now that the losing team has to vote someone off, everyone's in high gear to try to both prove their worth and manufacture an arch nemesis for everyone else to despise.


A shelter needs to be built, so Pei-Gee (pronounced like the movie rating) gets in touch with her type-A uberbitch mode, and starts barking orders at everyone. This doesn't go over well with anyone else, and the front runners begin to emerge.

Chicken has it in for Ashley, who had contributed little to the camp over the previous three days. In Ashey's defense, she did spend those days puking and shivering, so she probably wouldn't have been much help. However, now that her illness had passed, she appeared to be a fierce competitor.

Dave the bartender and "former" model tells us he just wants to get rid of some of the young people. He explains that they aren't focused and worth much to the team, and that they would be better off with an older team. Something tells me that someone has been hit over the head about the value of young people, and that he might be a tad bitter about being a "former" model.


So the losers troop to the first tribal council, where Jeffy engages in the usual banter designed to work everyone up into a temper snit before sending them off to vote.

Ashley's lazy behavior, Pei-Gee's dictatorial attitude and Chicken being himself are all considered. Ultimately it's Chicken's head on the chopping block. (pun fully intended) He reacts by screaming loud enough to make his teammates fear for their safety. Frosti actually left his seat thinking that Chicken was going to come out swinging.

But he went quietly into that good night, leaving the younger and less capable teammates to fend for themselves. God bless them all.

If you have missed this or any other Survivor Episode, you can view them in their entirety at: http://www.cbs.com/primetime/survivor15/

Until next time friends. :)

K

"Oh yeah baby, I'm like a train wreck. You couldn't look away even if you wanted to.
That's the kind of bad MoFo I am."

Damn you Jeff Probst! I wish I could quit you! No game involved, no real reason to watch a trite and over-used premise and yet I have counted the seconds until I could have a quiet night at home to watch desperate people doing everything in their power to starve on some bug-infested wasteland for 39 days. Is it wrong that I got goosebumps when I heard the theme-song? Welcome back kids! As you are probably aware, this season's "social experiment" is all about race. Four tribes divided by ethnicity....a plot that has resulted in advertisers cancelling, politicians denouncing, and CBS execs trying to wipe the dollar signs out of their fields of vision. Nothing says "jackpot" like a righteous indignation. CBS had paint and signs ready for anyone who wanted to boycott the show, but none of them took them up on the offer.

So these four tribes are divided by race. This means that no one is going to be able to say that "I was voted of because I was [Insert Ethnicity Here.]" Yup. No more race cards. They will just have to play the age, gender, sexual orientation, political affiliation, country of origin, pickup-truck, sports, or jell-o preference cards. Let's face it people. It doesn't matter who or what you are. Others are going to judge you on some facet of you. That's not necessarily a bad thing. Lighten up.

I find it interesting this season that the group of 20 that they have assembled have the ethnic diversity of the average Beverly Hills Starbucks. Sure, everyone looks different, but the moment they open their mouths, it's "like, ohmigod, we totally suck at making fire."

Sure, there are the notable exceptions. Cao Boi (or "Kim's honorary crazy-assed survivor" as I have begun calling him) is a Vietnamese refugee, but even he looks like he comes from central casting. They clearly were selecting these teams based on pretty people, lest they be accused of not selecting a fair representation of any race. God forbid they find anyone interesting.

And yet, even though they were being oh-so-politically correct, the teams still wound up saying the stereotpyical things about themselves that coming from anyone else would result in an immediate ass-kicking.

For example:

"My parents rowed a boat to escape their home. Now I'm on a boat rowing back."

"We're a bunch of little people with slanted eyes...no one expects us to do anything."

"Black people don't like being told what to do."

and my personal favorite: "Go Whitey."

Annnnnyyyyyway. Everyone's on the only clipper ship in the western hemisphere not piloted by Johnny Depp, sailing towards the Cook Islands The whistle blows, and everyone scrambles to steal everything they can get their hands on. Each team must collect everything they can to take with them on a raft that they will row to the beach. It's mass chaos. People are tossing things over the side to teammates, and safety clearly is not the word of the day. A cord of firewood goes over the side of the boat, and barely misses the heads of several people below. Another woman can be seen running on the decks of the ship, machete in hand. (did no one tell her not to run with sharp things?!?!?!?) Live chickens are grabbed and tossed to teammates, then lost to others. Mass hysteria, I tell you.

Amidst the chaos comes a beam of light. With whitened teeth, a fake-and-bake tan and more hair product than I wear in a month, Jeffy emerges from the throngs to tell us that yes, once again, the game is on.

From that point, Survivor is just as it has always been. A bunch of wanna-be TV stars rowing to an island for the opportunity to win a million bucks or be playmate of the month. There's shelter and fires to be built, alliances to be made, and outcasts to be shunned.

Chief amongst the outcasts is Cao Boi, A Vietnamese nail salon owner who is older and wierder than any of his Asian yuppie teammates. He endears himself to his teammates by telling racial jokes and hammering home the point that no one else on the team has a clue about the real world. While this may be true, reminding them of this fact will not exactly help his case.

At one point a teammate - Brad - has a headache. Cao Boy takes it upon himself to relieve Brad's "bad wind." and does some hocus pocus on his forehead that results in a bruise between his eyes.

Now, Brad acknolwedges the fact that his headache was gone....but was devastated that he would have a red mark the size of a dime on his forehead. He is next seen with a ballcap pulled low so that it would not be visible to the cameras. God forbid. Anyone see the blisters and the bug bites from previous seasons? If a little red mark is what you're worried about, stand by Sparky.

Runner up in the "weird outcast" category is Jessica...dubbed "Flicka" by her friends back home. Her Survivor buddies also call her Flicka until she lets the two prized chickens out of their box and they escape into the woods. At that point her teammates stopped calling her Flicka and started calling her names that I can't print here. Johnathan was the most irritated of the bunch, mostly because he stole the chickens from the Asian guys in the first place. Charming.

[Show of hands. Who thinks she did that purposefully because she's an animal lover who didn't want to see a chicken killed live and in technicolor?]

Before we know it, it's time for a challenge. Race where puzzles, boats, running and climbing are involved. Top three winners get immunity and flint, losers go to tribal council. The Asians win, the Hispanics closely follow, and it's a fight to the finish between the African American tribe and "Team Whitey." In the end, Team Whitey claims the last spot, and team Hiki is sent to the first tribal. But before they go, they have the opportunity to send someone to Exile Island from one of the other teams.

They choose Jonathan, the bad hat wearing, nasal voiced chicken thief. Be gone with you!

The teams go back home, and the African American tribe must decide who of the 5 is going to be going home.

Do they decide by gender? (3 women 2 men) By friendships? (One woman is on the outside) By strength level? (the guys have the clear advantage.) I mean really, who needs race when you have all these other options to choose from?

The three women set aside any differences they have (age and home state) to oust one of the guys. Jazz musician Sekou makes a play to stay, but his efforts sound more like bragging when he insists that he is the only one on the team capable of building fire. Whatever.

Three votes for Sekou send him packing, and the rest of us wait for the next installment of politically-correct Survivor.

Can't wait. :)

Until next time.