Survivor 15: Episode 1: "Putting the 'Ugly' Back in Ugly American"
Like the changing of the leaves, the start of football season, and cold crisp evenings, there are few things I enjoy about fall more than a new season of Survivor. It's been a long summer, and the opportunity to come home tonight, curl up in my chair with a warm laptop and a big-screen TV was more than enough to set my heart a-fluttering.
Who would have thought that we would have made it to 15 seasons? I remember talking with some of you about how we needed to get a game going, because they certainly weren't going to make any more after Survivor Africa. Oh how wrong we were. Over the 7 (yes, it has been 7) years of it's airing, I have really enjoyed every minute. Mind you, this has very little to do with the show. Let's face it; it's a predictable theme with stock characters loosely based on reality. The fun I have had has been with you, making snarky comments, meeting to watch the show and making new friends in the process. Survivor could jump the shark at any minute, if it hasn't already, and I just wanted to tell you all what a pleasure it has been to meet all of you. :)
Ok, enough with the touchy-feely crap. On with this season's train-wreck!
This season takes us to China, where another group of American strangers is assembled to compete for a million bucks. Unlike the last few seasons where the Puppetmaster attempted to boost ratings by pitting ethic groups against each other, this season focuses on the more "unique" characters of the world. Some have odd jobs, others are just odd. Within the group there is a female wrestler, a grave digger, a gay Mormon flight attendant (his description, not mine), a christian talk-show hostess, a professional poker player, and a chicken farmer from Virginia...who is appropriately enough named "Chicken."
So the Chinese give us tainted pet food, toothpaste and toys full of lead, but they get this group of weirdos. Yeah, I think that's a fair trade.
We first see the new teams dressed in their "Sunday Best" outfits (Which means heels, hair gel and barely covered boobies) struggling to lug their 50 pounds of luggage up steps to a Buddhist temple. Jeffy and every villager in a three hundred mile radius is there to greet them.
They are told that the villagers wish to conduct a ceremony to welcome them. They ask each of them to enter the temple and participate. They stress that it is not a religious ceremony, but a greeting.
But even the super-welcoming Chinese villagers take issue with the exposed boobies. For some reason they deem that inappropriate, and many women are required to cover-up with shawls. How dare they? Don't they know that covering those girls chests will hinder their attempts to secure valuable Penthouse cover shots? So what if it's inappropriate for these women to walk into a house of worship looking like $10 hookers? They have their careers to think about, you know.
In spite of their assurances that this was not a religious ceremony, there was a lot of activities that sure looked religious. One of those who wasn't into the scene was Courtney, the New York waitress. She complained about the ceremony going on so long and how she was tired of bowing.
So lemme get this straight. You are in a part of the world that few Americans have ever seen, participating in a cultural ceremony that has been organized just for you, and you have a chance to win a million bucks at the end. And you have a right to complain how!?!?!?
But as nonplussed as Courtney was with the whole experience, there was someone else who was even less enthused. Leslie, the Christian radio talk show host is having something of a crisis of faith. She is of the opinion that the ceremony was the fast-track to sin and damnation. Citing the first of the 10 commandments (Though shall not worship other gods before me) she bolts from the temple mid-ceremony. Through tears and an obvious panic attack, she actually says, "I'm not a religious person, but I worship my lord and savior Jesus Christ."
Call me a cynic, but doesn't worshiping the big JC by definition make you a religious person? Do the people at her radio station know that she's not religious? How many non-religious people have issues with participating in a ceremony that is different from their own cultural background? How many could cite Exodus 20:5 as the reason to be curled up in the fetal position muttering about hellfire? Heck, I went through years of Catholic school and I had to verify which commandment that was on wikipedia.
As I have said on many occasions, I am a big supporter of one's religious beliefs. I think that one's faith is a very powerful and very personal thing. Feel uncomfortable with the situation? Fine. Thank those involved, and excuse yourself. No need for some shaking/crying freak-out. It's not like the Puppetmaster is requiring you to go in there and sell your soul, you already did that the moment you agreed to be on the show in the first place.
The ceremony ends, and everyone gathers back out in front of the temple. Jeffy tells them that a premise of Buddhism is to rid themselves of material goods. In this case it means that the suitcases they lugged up the hill would be leaving them, and they would be sent off to the jungles with nothing but the clothes on their backs.
Yes, the hoochie-mama skin tight dresses, the spiked heels, the fishnet stockings, the knee-high 20-lb Doc Martens would be your only clothing for the next 39 days. Someone whined that they weren't wearing a bra. (Again, all completely appropriate temple attire)...to which she was told that she was SOL, but would be popular. Oh, that Jeffy and his sharp wit.
So off we go into the wilds of China two teams chosen at random are sent to two different camps with a water can and a machete as their only supplies. They are also given a copy of "The Art of War"...an ancient Chinese text that is the foundation for most modern strategic offenses, and instructed to read it. Let the gamesmanship begin!
Pro poker player Jean-Robert and Todd the gay Mormon flight attendant go for a walk in search of the tree mailbox. Along the way, they have the opportunity to talk, to bond, to begin to create relationships that will serve them well through this game.
JR tosses any hope out the window immediately by telling Todd that he doesn't believe Todd's a flight attendant, and that he feels he can't trust him. Todd's understandably surprised and more than a little peeved. Smooth move JR. Are you sure you are a poker player? None of the players I know would ever be that stupid.
Meanwhile, the rest of the tribe is trying to create a shelter with plenty of boobs, but no builders in the group.
Hobbling around in the mud wearing kitten heels and a skin-tight dress, Sherea tells us, "I just didn't know it was going to be this hard."
Time? 8:16. We hadn't even gotten to the 2nd commercial break and a few hours into their stay on the island before some fool has to say that. The show's been on for 7 freaking years. You didn't know this by now?
One of the most interesting (and dare I say superfine) players is James. When asked what he does for a living, he tells us he buries people....and that is not a metaphor. He is actually a grave digger in Louisiana. He then explains that he has no troubles roughing it or working through the challenges; his biggest fear is the social part of the game. Since the majority of his clients don't require witty banter, it's no surprise that James is not much of a people person. That's ok. Something tells me that staying out of the way of the rest of the yahoos is probably the best method for getting far in this game.
The player who's having the toughest time adjusting to the social aspect of the game is Chicken. A chicken farmer from Virginia, he looks like he is out of central casting for Deliverance. He's a good old boy with a clear idea of how things are to run, and doesn't suffer fools lightly. The problem is that he is surrounded by fools who think that they know a lot more than he does. His method of coping with this is to go into a passive aggressive "I don't care what you want to do...it's fine" mode that just rubs everyone the wrong way. The upshot is that the team can't agree on a shelter design, and they all spend the night in a rainstorm.
Before they know it, treemail arrives and it's time to figure out what the clever poetry and props mean. Both teams ponder over this for quite a while until someone from one of the teams mentions, "Hey, maybe we should read that art of war thing?'
Yes, that "Art of War" thing that you have had in your possession for 3 days and ignored? A little late to cram before the challenge sparky.
The challenge is an obstacle course where they run with these giant dragons. First one to the end wins. It's a close race, but Chicken and James' team (I haven't gotten to the point where I remember the team names) loses.
Ironically enough, as the other team hoists the immunity idol, who is one of the first people to kiss it? Leslie. Oooooh I'm telling! Something tells me you are going to be moved to overnights on KYaweh
So now that the losing team has to vote someone off, everyone's in high gear to try to both prove their worth and manufacture an arch nemesis for everyone else to despise.
A shelter needs to be built, so Pei-Gee (pronounced like the movie rating) gets in touch with her type-A uberbitch mode, and starts barking orders at everyone. This doesn't go over well with anyone else, and the front runners begin to emerge.
Chicken has it in for Ashley, who had contributed little to the camp over the previous three days. In Ashey's defense, she did spend those days puking and shivering, so she probably wouldn't have been much help. However, now that her illness had passed, she appeared to be a fierce competitor.
Dave the bartender and "former" model tells us he just wants to get rid of some of the young people. He explains that they aren't focused and worth much to the team, and that they would be better off with an older team. Something tells me that someone has been hit over the head about the value of young people, and that he might be a tad bitter about being a "former" model.
So the losers troop to the first tribal council, where Jeffy engages in the usual banter designed to work everyone up into a temper snit before sending them off to vote.
Ashley's lazy behavior, Pei-Gee's dictatorial attitude and Chicken being himself are all considered. Ultimately it's Chicken's head on the chopping block. (pun fully intended) He reacts by screaming loud enough to make his teammates fear for their safety. Frosti actually left his seat thinking that Chicken was going to come out swinging.
But he went quietly into that good night, leaving the younger and less capable teammates to fend for themselves. God bless them all.
If you have missed this or any other Survivor Episode, you can view them in their entirety at: http://www.cbs.com/primetime/survivor15/
Until next time friends. :)
K
posted by Kimmie @ 12:32 AM
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